The Grey Days

I remember the “grey days” before going with Father on my wilderness journey…It seemed like a dark cloud followed me everywhere I went. My mind was like a war zone and I never knew peace. Every “challenge” would unknowingly take me back to when I was a little girl. The only way I knew how to cope with my pain and brokenness was “anger” and retreating to my “drugs”. 

I was married and a mom, but yet I was still a “little girl”, because I never took the time to go back to visit the places of my brokenness. For mere moments light would break through and I would tread on glimpses of what Jesus had planned for me. I wanted to dwell in that place of overflow, of a peace that surpasses all understanding and a deep joy…but as soon as a challenge would come I would retreat to the little wounded girl…

More then 7 years ago, when I was at my lowest, I had a dream and in the dream a lady said to me “I am so excited about the journey that God is going to take you on”. No one ever told me that it is important to go on a healing journey.

Father had to convey this important process to me through a dream…There was something different in the atmosphere and I knew that it was time to visit the “graves” I have avoided for years and to take off my masks and to open up about my struggles and pain.

Father took me aside and we started to unpack my heart and He addressed every hurt and character trait that did not represent Him. Some things were easy to lay down and overcome and some would take time, but I pushed through the pain and frustration and I did not give up. Worship was my greatest weapon when my past begged me to give up and turn around to the familiar. When my heart was lighter, I discovered my love for writing and for mentoring women.

I remember one December morning waking up around five in the morning to spend time with Papa God and for the first time in my life I experienced the love of God. A Christian for years and I heard hundreds of teachings of His love for me, but I had to have an encounter and revelation of His great love for me. His love flowed like billows over my broken heart and I was instantly transformed in many areas of my life.

When I discovered that Jesus was madly in love with me…the shy girl with the countless issues and the low self esteem, I was changed never to be the same again. I stepped out of the shadows in His  authority, bold and fearless only because I finally knew how deeply loved I was.

I want to encourage everybody to make time to go on a wilderness journey with Papa God.

Only in Him there is a peace that surpasses all understanding and a joy unspeakable. No more “grey days” for me, Jesus filled my every void and I am head over heels in love with Him. I am forever dressed in who He says I am…an overcomer, beautiful, His warior princess, fearless, a container of His love in the earth…called and prepared for such a time as this…

— Ebigale Wilson





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