Harboring Hate

If we are hard-wired for love and connection; then why do we have so much hate?

I laid in bed thinking of a time when my mouth spewed a nasty hateful comment revealing a hardened and unhappy heart.

I thought of my comments often over the years – not so much horrified by them – but really wondering why bad things happen to good people? Why does it appear that vile people seem to go unpunished and prosper while good people suffer and even die.

You see, my brother died – his body dumped – heroin took his life. I was angry and mad and wanting to blame the world but I chose to blame someone who had hurt our family for years. My words were exactly; “Why the He-Double hockey sticks can’t XXX be dead? That SOB deserves to be dead.”

And if blaming that person wasn’t enough … I also blamed the person that sold my brother the heroin and dumped his body in a parking lot to die instead of getting him help as he was overdosing. I would sit awake for hours smoking cigs wanting to have this person I didn’t even know be held accountable and suffer greatly.

Rage consumed me.

I even blamed my husband for not going to pick up my brother like he said he would that day. I told him so. I told him I couldn’t trust him to do what he says he would do. He was a promise breaker and for that my brother was dead because of it. I was ready to leave him, my kids, everything and everyone behind and sulk in my intense rage and hate.

Oh, I am pretty familiar with harboring hate.

I know how it will consume and take you out if you let it. I know how it taints everyone and everything around you.

But God…

Thankfully after I stopped blaming and raging at Him … He stepped in…

He restored my hard hardened heart. He peeled away the calluses. He gave me an empathy and compassion for others. I didn’t want to continue drinking the poison of unforgiveness. I cried out to God and He was faithful to answer my cries. He enlarged my heart for a greater capacity to love.

Now when I see a horrific news story I don’t wish ill will to the person; I actually pray for God to intervene for them and help restore them. I pray for both parties involved on both sides – even when I don’t quite understand how or why someone could be consumed with evil to do certain things.

I am learning to see both sides in all things these days. I have forgiven myself and others I blamed for things that were not their fault.

I have also learned that if we don’t examine the hate we have in our hearts and we let it fester or keep fueling it we will never ever get back to the side of love. We must stop harboring hate.

Whether that be because of a failed relationship, the political divide in our country, or the countless acts of violence instead of kindness reported on the nightly news from all around the world.

It doesn’t happen overnight – I can’t even tell you the time frame or moment that I awoke and the pain and hate was gone. But it is gone.

I pray that what ever hate that has you consumed that you too will find a way back to love.

We can’t harbor hate and love well.

~ XXOO Michelle Bollom