In 2014 I did something really stupid, something that cost me my church, my dream. I was utterly devastated, heartbroken.
Everyday for the last 4 years I’ve been in deep regret, a regret that has brought about some very deep shame. I would cry, punch the walls, scream, I hated myself. After all, I was just reaping what I had sown.
Unexpectedly these last 5 weeks I’ve felt a call back to minister again, but I quickly shut it down because I believed I didn’t deserve another chance. Yet the voice of Jesus was calling me even though I was inwardly being chocked by shame.
Last night for the first time in about 5 years I responded to an invitation to receive prayer at Freedom Church. I felt something shift but I was unsure what it was. I cried like a baby, I went to bed and slept like a baby.
This morning at church I heard a message about God removing my shame. It was as if the entire message was written just for me. My heart was dancing inside of my chest at the sheer joy of what I was hearing. “I will remove your shame and restore your inheritance- double.”
I’m crying as I write this because it’s been such a journey these last 5 months of inner restoration back to God. A year ago I arrived at a place where I was ready to walk away from God, it was just too painful to believe anymore. It was less painful just to give up.
But, oh the joy of expectation within my heart! I was internally dead BUT Jesus breathed his life into my lungs. He’s taught me to hope again, to believe again. I’ve had repair but now it’s time for restoration. I’m chocked as I wrote these last few words because it’s so opposite to what I believed…I’m not a failure, I’m not cast off, I’m not a bad egg, I’m a good person because God doesn’t make mistakes.
As the minister said, “We’re not failures. God just needs to polish us so we shine with identity, an identity that brings God glory.”
He has restored my soul. -Psalm 23
~ Benjamin David
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