Dec 16th is and will always be a hard day to get through. Alot of you may not know because I don’t speak to many about it but I was kidnapped and raped when I was just 16 years old. It’s not a day I like to remember but it’s a day I will always remember. A man was waiting for me in the back seat of my car after work. I wish I could turn back time and remember to lock my doors but what 16 year old teenager thinks of things like that on a regular basis. I was running late as usual and needed get to work. I remember getting off work telling my friend Tabitha bye and hopped in my car and was so excited because my Best Friend Paige was coming up to see me for the weekend and I had to go pick her up from the bus station. I never made it to the bus station and I was a block away from my house when I was attacked at knife point.
It felt like a nightmare I couldn’t wake from. At first I thought OMG this is the worst prank ever my friends are playing on me but I soon realized it wasnt a prank at all and tears stung my eyes.
I won’t go in to detail all the horrific things that were done to me but I will tell you what I felt.
I felt helpless and weak. I felt like I wish I could’ve said to my mom and dad one more time just how much I loved them because in my mind I was never going to see them again.
I was scared. My innocence was taken away without my permission and I couldn’t do anything bout it. I was numb. I escaped from being killed and tortured after about 2 and half hours and all I remember is feeling like I was walking in a nightmare numb and just going through the motions.
I smelled him on me for weeks after the attack so I felt the need to bury all that I was feeling so I could get back to the regular me I missed so much and forget it all. But till this day that’s never really happened. It changed my whole life from being angry at everything to making horrible life choices to just going day to day crying trying to forget.
The older I get the more I realize how much I need to talk about it. Feel all the emotions I never gave myself the chance to feel when I was that innocent teenager. I was angry at the whole world for so long thinking why did this happen to me . I prayed and cried and never got a answer so I would get even more angry. Today I’ve let alot (not all) of my anger go by talking about it. Crying about it. Writing things down to remind myself I’m worth more than he made me feel on that one horrid night.
I have some good days , some extremely bad but I have wonderful people that get me thru. I look at my beautiful son and he reminds me why I was brought into this world.
I leave the little pieces of anger I have left with my rapist everyday. My rapist got 30 years. I can’t even imagine him getting 6 months.
There’s a injustice in this world and all of us that have been sexually assaulted need to come together and have a voice. Things need to change. We are survivors through and through and together we can make a difference. #WeAreSurvivors #Stanfordinjustice #mystory #mytruth #Itookbackcontrol
~ Brittany Billings
“In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul.”