November 18, 1995: The Night He Took It
I remember exactly what I was wearing, it was the first time I experienced drinking and smoking. I was wearing my NS Letterman jacket, my Girbaud jeans, and a pair of Timberlands. I still remember taking a sip of Strawberry Hill, rushing through that glass of Tanqueray and Pineapple, followed-up with a drag of a black and mild.
It was so cold that night, like maybe the high 40’s. I rushed outside because my head was spinning – Yes, I experienced my first official hangover. Then it happened, I needed to vomit.
When I woke up I recall being trapped underneath him, with no clothing on. I remember each pump getting more and more intense. I felt helpless and paralyzed.
For some reason, I felt like it was my fault. In some sick way, I felt like I deserved it. Considering at the time I was still coping with the remnants of being molested as a small child, (at this moment I was in high school) I accepted his behavior as normal and I never said a word. But I got him/them back!
I silently got him back and every other guy that I would engage with sexually. From that moment, I decided that I would not be emotionally tied to sex. I decided to control my sex game, and control others with it…and that’s what I did for years.
When I think back over the years, I wanted to do something differently; but I did not have the tools. You see, I wasn’t taught to love myself and someone taught me at a very early age that sex was a transaction, so I treated it just as that. Instead of confronting or sharing how I truly felt, I hid behind the smile.
Maybe you too have experienced a similar situation, if so you need to get it out- some how, some way. I don’t want you holding on to the abuse.
I want you to RELEASE your past so that GOD can INCREASE your future. I asked GOD for healing and he gave me exactly what I asked for. This is why I SMILE.
~Lereca Monik
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