As a child I was raised with a father who was a challenge to deal with most of the time. He was emotionally unavailable and abusive in many ways. As an adult, I have come to realize that he did the best his coping skills would allow him to do. He met our family’s financial needs and attended every sporting event, even though at times the sporting event attendance came with a public yelling and dressing down about some failure on the basketball court or at a swim meet.
Tears were plentiful in my childhood.
As a young adult I struggled with who my other father was…my Heavenly Father. I was raised to believe that He was some old guy in the sky who expected me to be flawless before I came before Him. That I was marked for death and not life in Him. That I was something He was ashamed of due to a life of failure and sin. Much like my impression of my earthly father….I walked outside of a relationship covered in shame.
I don’t remember when or how, but in my 20’s I started to see God as more than some angry god in the sky. I think He started to change my eyes for myself and gave me His eyes. I started to see how much He loved me. How He was passionate about me and how He just wanted a relationship with me and I could come just as I am. He wanted to bring me closer to Him so that He could heal those father wounds in my heart. He wanted to be my good, good Father.
Over the past 20 years, my relationship with God has grown and struggled at times, but He has always been there pursuing my heart. Telling me to bring to Him my brokenness so that He can show me what kind of healer He is and how He wanted to be a Father who gives me miraculous gifts. And so, I put my hand in His and walk in His love and His promise that He will always be there with me.