Banging clanging and dust slanging had my nerves shot!
Yes, those pesky critters have had a feast with my master bath tub and shower wall.
I had a crazy 2015 and I was hoping to have this all resolved before the New Year, but it turned out to be a bigger mess than originally thought so here I was day one of more contractors and repairs starting in our home.
As the day wore on I had gone too long between meals and my blood sugar had run low along with my patience.
The entire wall was a crumbling pile of sawdust all the way to the roof beams!
My pockets had already been turned completely inside out and frayed with no chance of any more hidden coins when I heard the words, it is going to cost more….
I did not have MORE to give- no my frayed nerves were already teetering on a tight rope.
More money???? … Money has been flying out the window faster and more fierce than toto caught up in a tornado in Kansas.
I was trying to stay in peace but was now doing the cha cha between panic and peace when my daughter calls to inform me that the sputters in the van that is now my twins car was acting up.
I could feel the heat rising as I realized I had to call more, drive more, give more of myself … To yet something else on my already really full plate.
As I am getting a ride home from my mechanic I just wanted to cry on the poor guys shoulder about my days woes.
He probably wondered why I was in such a catatonic state and not my usual Chatty Cathy bubbly self.
My hubby was closing so he would not be home for multiple hours. That was probably a blessing for him.
As I still let the time fill in with more to do’s instead of food…the perfect storm was brewing…..
A full almost 12 hours later since the banging clanging dust slanging started and well….just too much crapola to mention, had all started and filled my day….
I don’t mean just snapped…
I mean I really really REALLY snapped!
I unloaded like a machine gun and yes there were a ton of unworthy words flying about. I screamed at my daughter, then I screamed at my son. I turned into a crazy blubbering idiot with my hands flailing in the air. If I had my van I would have run away but I just had our jeep and I was too weak to drive stick shift.
So I just kept freaking out wondering if I started sobbing and rocking in the corner would it freak out my kids too much and how many years that would add to the years of therapy they will already need one day…when suddenly my daughter yelled –Stop!
It temporarily snapped me back to reality and then I kept going until again sternly she scolded me with a simple, yet very loud –“Stop Mom! Stop this and go take a shower.”
So like a scolded 2 year old, shocked, I held my head and silently walked up the stairs to the extra bathroom and closed the door. I dropped all my clothes and jumped in the shower. As the hot water poured over my very greasy and dusty hair and my unstable nerves and my really low blood sugar had me twitching, I slowly poured the shampoo and wanted nothing more than to simply go right on down the drain with all the shampoo, soap, and water.
I wanted all the days jacked up messes to just vanish right down the drain too! I no longer wanted to deal with anything.
As I stood in the shower trying to figure out how in a split second I lost all control. I thought:
Really? Really Michelle? What in the world? Was all my great Christian witness nothing more than unworthy word wounds inflicted now on my children? Oh yeah, and how about a F Bomb dropping ordained minister? Yeah that goes over real well like a turd in the punch bowl…..How can I be living for God and doing the Lords work and completely just nut plum up? How can I serve anyone Lord when I can’t even serve my family very well? I blew it!
So I repented to God for what I had done, what I wanted to do, and what I hadn’t done that I should have. I didn’t make excuses for my blood sugar or pretend I had no clue what in the world just happened.
Nope, I just said “I blew it! Lord, I was not even glimmering this time. My Light was not shining for You. No it full on burned out. It was busted and shattered just like a too hot light bulb. Father, Forgive me, I chose to curse and rant and rave instead of take anything to You. It was 100% a choice I made to lose it and let my flesh rule.
I am not nor have I ever intended to give anyone the false assumption or impression that I have it all figured out perfectly because I am a Christian. I still fail and fall daily! I post a lot of encouraging and inspiring posts mostly from my own life experiences and love the Lord deeply and try to Love others well, but I still can choose fleshly sinful unworthy behaviors. But my God is big enough to handle and forgive them ALL!
I got done and went to apologize another time to each of my kids and gave them both a great big hug and kiss and asked God not to have them spend too many years in therapy trying to undo all my messes.
And as I prepared for bed I reflected on my stress filled day. I thanked God for not leaving me and that there is no condemnation for those in Christ. I also thought of the gurgling of the drain and envisioned every worry and sin of the day being all washed down the drain. Even the soap that really should have been put in my mouth!
Thank you Lord for Your Amazing Grace and Mercy. Thank You Lord for loving this imperfect sinner perfectly. Thank You for New Mercies each day. Thank You that when we take it all to You, You wash it all down the drain too.
~XXOO Michelle Bollom